matthew

My name is Matthew and I am 19 years old. About one year ago I started to question whether I was gay or straight. I decided to speak to someone about it and from those discussions I found out that I was in fact gay. This was a huge shock to me and I became depressed. I had no idea how to tell my family and I was worried about all the friends that I would lose if the secret ever got out. I live in a small town and the values of society are not modern enough to even consider the idea of acceptance of homosexuality. So because of this I have to put on a show for my friends to make sure I don't appear to be gay. That is the hardest part of leading a gay life as a straight male. You can never say what you want to just in case you tip them off. It's like living a lie. You can't be yourself just in case someone notices.

Another difficult part of being gay is accepting yourself and not hating yourself because of it. There is no choice in the matter and once the cards have been dealt there is no turning back. The important thing to remember is to play the cards you have been dealt as best you can. Remember that there is much more to a person than whether they are straight or gay, people will like you for you, and you are still you. It is difficult to say that it's no big deal but in the grand scheme of things it really isn't. I'm the same as everyone else with the exception of only one thing. I watch different people walking down the street than my friends. I can still snowboard, ski, fish, drive cars, boats, and snowmobiles. Just like them. So what's the big deal?

Reflecting on all this, a year later, I still haven't completely come to terms with it because I can never tell anyone and I must continue to put on the farce for my friens that I am a hormone driven straight male. but these are the facts of life and being gay is not a visual thing it is all inside so it can be hidden. I am thankful that if misfortune had to happen to me that it was this one. Because the chances are, no one will know unless told.